I am afraid of romantic relationships. I don't think I trust my own judgement. I am so scared to end up with the "wrong" guy. That I will get too far down a road with the wrong person that will have me trapped. It might just be a fatal flaw. I always blame the way I look, or just the way I am for my lack of love with a person well suited to me. I think in reality is that I don't seek it in truth. I don't want to be that vulnerable. OR am I just afraid that someone will figure they have fallen in love with the wrong person.

Floyd and Jon are where this started. I am fairly certain. Because either of those options were SO wrong for me.

I am not settled enough for a relationship anyway though. I don't have anything figured out. I keep finding new parts of myself that I don't know what to do with.

I find parts of who I am that I hate and don't acknowledge to change. Like that I have a lazy core. But really it isn't laziness it is perfectionism I fail to try because I am soo afraid to not succeed. I worry that I won't be the best or that if i don't put out the best possible product that it then devalues me.

I know my potential is better than my effort and better than my result. So I just put no energy in.

I can't believe that one person I hoped to fall in love with for real has disappeared.

What now.....???