I probably should move on... but I don’t want to.

The wounds a person carries sometimes seem healed until a new situation reminds us of those old wounds and the pain feels more intense than it had before.
I know he doesn’t know how much I am aching because I don’t communicate my disappointment and anger. The Rob and Lindsay upset has me so paranoid that I’ll once again be left crushed. I’m trying to self protect. And what I really want is to just tell Bob that i think it’s time to try dating each other.

I do have other things to work on and focus on- like a new job. But this situation has my cortisol going crazy.

I am frustrated feeling like he won’t try something unless it seems impossible. And we seem very possible. 🤯😩

Say What You Need to Say...

Please pardon the grammatical mistakes this was just free flow writing unedited:

There is a moment in a movie that I like where I always get infuriated. So, the gist of it is this, the protagonist is in love with her best friend. And there is this moment when they are alone together that she should confess herself. She should let her walls down and just say “I am in love with you” But the moment is gone in a breath and she then lives through the inevitable of him marrying the ‘other’ woman and I always wonder what would have been the case if she had just taken that moment to say “ I am in love with you” And I think the reason that moment in the movie always grabs me is because I know that flaw. I missed moments.

We were in the restaurant and he asked me what was up. That I seemed different. It was it that was my moment. I thought “I am falling for you” and I said that I was just tired or some other dismissal of what I truly felt for fear of rejection and discomfort. Not to mention the man was a few weeks out from his divorce being final and I thought it crazy unwise to mess with what had become a very important friendship. I chose logic and reason over honesty and it still is that moment that I look at in the same way I see that scene on the boat in the heart of Chicago. It might have changed things if I hadn’t waited. And it may not have. But I’ll never know because the inevitable played out. There is an ‘other’ woman that is in his orbit.

And I suspect that where ever the time took Jewels, she is still single and in her own way occasionally pining away for what would have been.

Dry Cappuccino Man

He always walked with a confident gate. One that belied him being a runner once upon a time. He was quiet with a respectful charm.

His sense of humor was a touch off-beat. His lack of appreciation for jazz in our store was legendary, the kind of thing that was shared informally in training new baristas.

"This is Richard. He usually gets a grande dry cappuccino in a venti mug to stay. If jazz comes on the speakers when he is here, please try to change it."

And I recall him being the very first person, customer or partner, that I thought of when I heard our store was getting a "refresh."

'Oh wow, we're changing Richard's man-cave without his input.'

And as I predicted he wasn't thrilled with some of the changes. For one, we took out his favorite corner chair and moved the comfortable chairs to the main part of the lobby. The mural on the wall was replaced by a brighter and more generic Pike Place floral scape. But in his slightly sardonic fashion he rolled with it.

So Richard, here is an wish for you beyond. May the  Cherry Oat Bars always be fresh and the milk foam perfectly dense, the shots well pulled, and the sugar in the raw plentiful. Bless you for the years of patronage and I think we are all sorry we didn't tell you how beloved you were to us at #2733.

Rest in Peace,
Richard Klang the Perpetual Starbucks Regular